What the crap is going on with Gossip Girl?

Nate:"Do you remember back in Season 1 when we had personalities?"
Chuck: "I'm Chuck Bass."

There, I admit it. I watch Gossip Girl, alright? And I don't mean, like, "Hey, Gossip Girl is on, I might as well watch it since I don't have plans tonight." I mean I religiously watch every single episode online (because I don't have cable - why get cable when you have internet? It seems redundant). Even though I know this show is terrible, I think I continue to watch purely out of habit. It's become like brushing my teeth in the morning, or eating frozen waffles standing up in the kitchen while wondering why I still haven't found a man with Don Draper's jawline who wants to marry me.

I know I just lost major cool points with all nine of my subscribers (as if I really earned them in the first place), and for this, I sincerely apologize. I might as well admit that I also watch True Blood, which is basically vampire porn meets Days of Our Lives.... You are welcome to hit Unsubscribe at any moment.

But seriously you guys, what the frak is going on with this show? Since it is on hiatus at the moment, I'm hoping there is still enough time to straighten some shit out. Therefore, I am sending into cyberspace a final plea to make this show good again.

Open letter to the writers of Gossip Girl:

Please kill Jenny and her stupid raccoon face and Courtney Love hair and thighs that don't touch. Either that or give her a nice healthy drug addiction.

.

"I can haz more coke and eyeliner, pleez?"

While you're at it, kill Serena. She has the moral fiber of a goldfish, and I won't be surprised if in a plot twist we learn that she is actually a golden retriever that can shape shift into human form. (Or maybe I've been watching too much True Blood). Still, the resemblance is striking...

Also, kill Rufus and Lily, who are the worst TV parents ever. And Vanessa and Dan, because, do I even have to explain?

Vanessa: "No, you're the worst."

Dan: "No, you're the worst. Also, I love you now, 'cuz Hilary Duff dumped me."

Quit treating your characters like dime store hookers. Is anyone else keeping track of all the characters Nate has slept with? Serena, Blair, Jenny, Vanessa.... How am I supposed to root for a couple when it's just relationship-spin-the-bottle? I need you to tell me how to feel, Gossip Girl. You do the math, there are about 10 characters on the show. To find the number of possible couples you can make, you multiply 10 x 9 x 8 ... etc.... Right? I was never very good at math. Oh, and now that threesomes are allowed, it changes the equation....Shit, I am going to fail the GRE.

Nate: "Which one are you again? Serena?"
Jenny: "Don't worry about it. Just shut up and kiss me."

More Chuck and Blair, please! But give them their sexual chemistry back, they are acting like the grandparents of everyone on this show.

And could you PLEASE keep a story arc for longer than one episode? I am getting whiplash from your stupid confusing plot twists.

Blair: "Wait, are we friends again? Weren't we fighting in the last episode?"

Serena: "I don't remember, but I want to go swim in that pond and chase birds. "

If you're going to have guest stars, please make them good actors to balance out all the bad acting already on the show.

How is it that all of these kids get served at bars and let into clubs? They are baby nineteen-year-olds. Millionaire baby nineteen-year-olds, but still.

Chuck is a soggy wet noodle, and what happened to his voice? He only talks in whisper. I want Badass Chuck back. Have him join a band and gain a British accent, or something. Oh wait, that's Ed Westwick.

.

Blair: "Why is everyone still here? Don't they know this is our show?"

Chuck: "I'm Chuck Bass."
Blair: "I still can't hear you."

We can basically call it the Chuck and Blair Show now. Nate can guest star sometimes to play polo and rugby without his shirt.

XOXO,

GGFan4evr