Wait, am I allowed to wear sequins after I turn 25?

You guys. It's my birthday on Monday. Again. Holy hell. They just keep coming at me like baseballs in a batting cage behind the dive bar and it smells like stale beer and I have helmet hair and I just want to go home and watch Parks and Rec.

In the last few weeks, a lot of people have been asking me what I want for my birthday. Like, more so than usual. In the past, my response to this fairly routine question has always been to shake my head and say something humble like, "Oh, you're so sweet! You don't need to get me anything! Your gorgeous presence is all that I desire in life! The sun shines out your butt and I bask in its glow, didn't you know?" Which is okay, I guess. I think everyone does this to a degree. We don't like to look selfish, do we? And the thought is what counts.

But you know what? That's kind of dumb. Because you end up with something kind of creepy and useless like monkey socks or pirate earrings and you try to be happy because it was such a nice gesture but you can't help thinking WTF do I do with this now?

And furthermore, what kind of lame life philosophy is that? When the world asks, What do you want? you don't answer, "Um, I don't know, a minimum wage job and a messy divorce and an illegitimate child, I guess?" NO! You say, "I want to be the motherfucking CEO, bitch!" Reach for the stars, because the stars don't have arms to reach for you! - Zach Galifianakis playing a pageant dad on SNL that one time.

Oh wow, I forgot for a second how perfect that sketch was. Phew, I remember now. "You're nasty!"

So, in the spirit of wanting to be a motherfucking CEO, when my parents called me the other day and asked what I would like for my birthday, I paused for a second and then blurted out, "A Crosley vintage style portable USB turntable?" And that's what they got me! And everyone was happy and nobody cried.

YES.

So I encourage all of you sexy Scorpios whose birthdays are coming up, or those who are already panicking about Christmas: Don't be afraid to ask for something you might actually enjoy! It's not selfish. You're really doing everyone a solid. It's a win-win-win. I'm not sure who the third winner is, but I have to believe there's someone out there winning besides Charlie Sheen.